Experiencing the death of someone significant in your life can feel quite disorienting at any age.  When this happens in childhood, grief needs can be very different from that of adults.

In childhood, developmental understanding and coping styles within the family play a role in the child’s grief process, among other things such as culture and religion. Children of different ages have different styles of adapting and different abilities to understand abstract concepts like religion and death. Remaining concrete in your language around death will help children to begin the process of understanding. Start with basic facts like, “when someone dies, their body stops working”. You can then answer any other questions when children ask them.

Children are often left out of important details and rituals because the adults around them are consumed with their own pain or at a loss about how to address the children in a helpful way.  This makes sense, none of us are handed a manual that guides us through the painful process of grief, let alone one that helps us figure out how to help a child through it.

It’s important to understand that first and foremost, children need to develop a vocabulary for their feelings, which will then help them learn how to handle those feelings in ways that help and not hurt them.  For example, children need to know that it is okay to feel anger, frustration and sadness at any time after they have suffered the death of someone close to them.  They need to know that when they feel this way, that there are people they can go to for comfort.

As you help a child you love express themselves in their grief, you may find it helpful to seek out a trusted person such as a religious leader or counselor, to help guide you.

Caregivers often feel confused when faced with different reactions from their grieving children. Some parents worry their child is indifferent to the death while others think their child is too emotional about it. Each child is an individual and will handle grief differently. It’s helpful to allow them to experience all their feelings and even to help them name their feelings. 

It’s not uncommon for younger children to ask you several times about the circumstances surrounding the death.  This is generally to process what happened and to make sure the story has not changed.

Part of our role as adults is to help children learn about the realities of life and how to navigate them. Teaching children about death and helping them through their grief process teaches them how to handle future losses. Normalizing this experience helps them see that they can grieve and still go on participating in life.